Avoidant Attachment: Everything You Need to Know

Attachment theory, developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby, identifies the avoidant (or dismissive-avoidant) attachment style as one of four adult attachment patterns.

Naturally, we are inclined to seek love and intimacy. However, an avoidant attachment style can develop if, during childhood, a person suppresses their instinct to seek comfort from parents or caregivers. This suppression often occurs in response to caregivers who are dismissive, emotionally unavailable, or even punitive towards their child’s need for help and support.

Adults with this attachment style tend to be self-reliant and often avoid romantic entanglements, not prioritizing intimate relationships. In relationships, they may shun emotional and sometimes physical closeness, favoring independence over intimacy. They dislike clinginess, either in themselves or others, and often resist sharing emotions or engaging in deep emotional exchanges with their partners.

Such individuals are frequently perceived as independent and confident, particularly in professional settings. It's possible for avoidantly attached people to evolve towards a healthier attachment style, but this requires significant time and self-reflection.

This article addresses common questions about avoidant attachment:

  • What influences the development of attachment styles in early childhood?
  • How do unhealthy attachment styles form?
  • What leads children to develop an avoidant attachment?
  • What are typical signs of avoidant attachment in adults?
  • What challenges exist in relationships with someone who has an avoidant attachment style?
  • Can avoidant attachment tendencies be altered to achieve secure attachment?
  • What strategies help in transitioning away from an avoidant attachment style?

WHY RELATIONSHIPS IN ADULTHOOD RELATE TO EARLY PARENTAL BONDS

Most people aim to form strong emotional connections. While individuals with secure attachment patterns find happiness in close friendships and supportive romantic relationships, this isn't the case for those with an avoidant attachment style.

For someone who values close relationships and mutual support, it may be puzzling that others lack these desires. Often, this is not a conscious choice, but a consequence of their first social bond – with a parent or guardian – being characterized by avoidance.

According to attachment theory, the four adult attachment styles are:

  • Anxious (or preoccupied) attachment style
  • Avoidant (or dismissive) attachment style
  • Disorganized (or fearful-avoidant) attachment style
  • Secure attachment style

HOW DO CHILDREN DEVELOP THEIR ATTACHMENT PATTERNS?

A child’s early social interactions, particularly with parents or caregivers, significantly influence their future relationships. Responsive and sensitive caregiving fosters a secure attachment style. Conversely, neglectful or dismissive caregiving can result in the child viewing social bonds as unsafe, leading to an insecure attachment style in adulthood, often marked by trust issues and relationship challenges.

If you know someone who is overly independent, self-sufficient, and reluctant to seek help, they likely have an avoidant or dismissive-avoidant attachment style.

Signs that an adult might be avoidantly attached

Avoidant individuals often seem content and sociable, with an active social life. They value autonomy and may prioritize career success, appearing confident and self-assured.

Avoidantly attached individuals are usually autonomous and independent. They are likely to focus on their career and build up their confidence mostly based on their professional and financial success. Their self-esteem is seemingly high, and they appear to not be needing anyone’s emotional support. However, this can mask underlying insecurities and a sense of disconnection.

DATING OR BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN AVOIDANT INDIVIDUAL

In a relationship with an avoidant person, deepening emotional connections is challenging. They tend to avoid physical affection, eye contact, and deep discussions about the relationship. Phrases like "I don’t want to talk about this" or accusations of neediness are common. Ultimately, they are likely to withdraw as the relationship deepens, reflecting their childhood experiences of emotional neglect.

All the above are compelling signs of this person having a dismissive-avoidant type of attachment style. Even when they are there with you physically, they will never let you in emotionally. It manifests particularly clearly in romantic relationships: as soon as things get more or less serious, avoidantly attached individuals close themselves off and distance themselves more and more from their partner. Most likely, at some point they will find a reason to end the relationship. In other words, they will do anything to avoid getting close to someone.

Needless to say, this denial of needing emotional intimacy is nothing but a direct result of their parents/caregivers’ behavioral patterns. Because their caregivers gave them little or no emotional support in their early childhood, individuals with the avoidant style learned that it is useless to rely on people. So what they did is they just stopped seeking comfort, help, and reassurance from others in their adult lives.

AVOIDANT ADULTS AND EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Outwardly confident, avoidantly attached adults often hide their vulnerability and discomfort with emotional intimacy. Their reluctance to form deep connections is not a lack of interest but an inability or fear. This leads to difficulties in establishing meaningful, long-term relationships.

And in the majority of cases, it doesn’t happen because they do not see how it might benefit them, but because they do not allow themselves that, have no idea how to achieve it, or it scares them! Yes, very often avoidant types have a big fear of true love and acceptance. There’s a part of them that wants a deep emotional connection, but the other part is frightened by it. In the end, individuals with this type of unhealthy attachment style find themselves not being able to build any meaningful long-term relationships. Obviously, it is heart-breaking for them and painful for the ones who love and care about them.

Avoidant parents may inadvertently pass this attachment style to their children.

RECOGNIZING AND ADDRESSING AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

If you noticed some avoidant tendencies in your close friend or romantic partner or you realized that you are avoidantly attached, there are various things you can do to help yourself or important people in your life to overcome it.

Acknowledging avoidant tendencies is the first step towards change. If you or someone close shows these signs, consider these strategies:

  • For dealing with others: Avoid taking their emotional distance personally, minimize control, and frame criticisms as constructive requests.
  • For self-improvement: Practice expressing emotions, confront fears by engaging more with close ones, and consider therapy for deeper issues.

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