What Is a Narcissist's Flying Monkey, and How Not to Become One

The term "flying monkey" comes from the world-famous Wizard of Oz story by the American author L. Frank Baum. In the fairytale, the flying monkeys were under the spell of the Wicked Witch and did her bidding against Dorothy and her friends.

In psychology, this term is used to describe abuse by proxy, meaning that the narcissist uses their friends, family, and coworkers (or those of the victim) to spread gossip about their target in order to damage their reputation. Psychologists call such attempts to harm the reputation of a person (or a group of people, or a company) by telling lies or spreading negative propaganda about them a smear campaign.

The narcissist's goal is to keep control over the victim by manipulating those individuals into tormenting them. These manipulated people whom the narcissist turns against their target do not necessarily have to be the narcissist's or the victim's family or friends. In some cases, flying monkeys are a group of individuals who join the persecution of a person they barely know on the internet. Maybe they just heard something negative about them or read something this person wrote that was taken out of context.

Flying monkeys can also be people who harass victims of nonconsensual pornography, sometimes referred to as "revenge porn" (sharing ex-partners' nudes or sex tapes as a form of retaliation). Religious organizations can also manipulate people into becoming their flying monkeys by spreading misinformation about people or groups of individuals they disapprove of (the medieval witch hunts are a perfect example).

All ideologies, especially those that encourage intolerance and discrimination, need flying monkeys to work. Nazism, homophobia, sexism — you name it. On a more individual level, particularly in romantic relationships, it's a single narcissistic person who turns others against their victim so they act hostile toward that victim.

Due to their insecurities, narcissists are always in desperate need of power and control. And one of the most common ways for the perpetrator to remain in control of any given situation is through triangulation — when the narcissist brings a third person into the relationship to create an imbalance that supports the power they constantly seek. Triangulation can manifest in narcissistic environments in different ways, but one of its most common forms is through flying monkeys. The whole point of enlisting flying monkeys is to get enough people to believe the narcissist's narrative so the victim has no choice but to give up on theirs.

Some individuals become flying monkeys because they want to. People who become this type of flying monkey often start deliberately doing these sleazy things from an early age. We're sure you've seen a child join in bullying another kid just because the crowd was doing it too. It doesn't matter if there was only one "leader" who started it or if it was a group of children who organized it — most of the rest were flying monkeys. Some kids may do it because they enjoy the power it gives them; others, because they are afraid of becoming victims of bullying themselves if they refuse to follow the crowd.

Another type of flying monkey is an individual who has been manipulated by a narcissist into doing so — usually with the "help" of the emotionally abusive person's lies or threats. Even couples therapists, sadly, sometimes become flying monkeys for a narcissistic spouse if they are inexperienced. One easily manipulated subtype is the drama-seeking flying monkey. These people enjoy gossip and drama; they're essentially thrill-seekers. And because narcissists are true masters of captivating storytelling, it's very easy for them to recruit this kind of flying monkey — they find it intriguing and exciting.

The third type of flying monkey becomes one because they are forced to. For instance, in narcissistic families, children often turn into flying monkeys out of fear of becoming the target of the abuse themselves if they don't. Another example is a narcissistic work environment where an employee witnesses their boss emotionally abuse a coworker but chooses to turn a blind eye because they're afraid to lose their job.

Without any doubt, someone who has been recruited as a flying monkey through manipulation is as dangerous to the victim as a person who has become one of their own free will. The flying monkey's origin doesn't really matter when narcissistic abuse happens. However, in some cases, if a flying monkey who has been lied to finds out the truth, there is hope for the victim and the flying monkey to expose the narcissist together and put an end to the abuse.

Narcissists usually have a highly charismatic and impeccably charming identity in public, and only the victim gets to see their true, horrifyingly evil identity behind closed doors. It's with their charm and charisma that the narcissist convinces everyone around them of their trustworthiness — to the point where those people believe the victim is the only one to blame. The narcissist's abusive upbringing has led them to believe that being vulnerable and kind to others means being weak. But deep down, they understand that what they do is disgusting — and they hate themselves for it. This is why the narcissist, essentially, devotes their entire life to maintaining that fake nice identity they feel is more acceptable in the eyes of society. Often, as the narcissistic relationship progresses, the narcissist becomes more and more admirable in the eyes of friends and family while significantly diminishing the victim's credibility — because everyone believes the victim is "crazy," abusive, and so on.

Here are some useful tips that will help you not to become one of the tools in the narcissist's hands:

• Observe your reactions and avoid being driven by strong but superficial emotions. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Remember that the more skillful the narcissist, the more subtle and sophisticated the manipulation. Some abusers pretend they care about their victims and are just trying to help them.
• Admit you might be prejudiced against a person or a business in ways that could influence your decisions. If you believe, for instance, that a company is greedy and corrupt, then it's easy to manipulate you into believing every new rumor about ways a corporation exploits people, even if that news is nothing but clickbait.
• Seek more information — as many details as possible. Always double-check everything and evaluate how reliable a source is.
• Listen to the other side of the story. Ideally, talk directly to the person whose reputation is being attacked. Of course, sometimes rumors do turn out to be true, so you don't have to believe that person blindly either. But asking for specific details, paying attention to nonverbal cues, and then checking your intuition about how honest they seem can help you find out the truth.
• In some cases, consider confronting the source of the defamation. Of course, this is not recommended if you are dealing with a malignant narcissist who might start targeting you in revenge. If you think it's relatively safe, you can try to share your doubts with that person and see how they react. If they understand your perspective, they are most likely honest. But if they start playing the victim or raging at you, chances are high that they are the true manipulator and abuser.